Tuesday, November 11, 2014

A.M. 4

Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. There are two dogs this morning. My little neurotic Franklin and big, protective Zoe. Well, and some dog a few doors down who wants to be in on it too.

It's cold outside now but still and welcoming. The air is dry and crisp. The leaves shiver. That dog is still barking.

The feeling that I'm doing everything wrong is creeping up again. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Leave me alone, voice.

"I don't mind whatever happens." I don't know who said it first but a very loving, wise old man said it to me.

I - that's me
Don't mind - to not be bothered by
Whatever - any possible thing
Happens - life unfolding

There's a lot of space and freedom in that statement. I've been chanting it for days. I don't mind whatever happens. I don't mind whatever happens. Can you imagine what you'd do if there were no consideration of the outcome? If you just lived every moment for the ultimate expression of the self, a maintenance of integrity, and without attachments? It's work. Hard work that never stops. But that's the sweet spot. That's when life works.

In looking deeply at the scams I run on myself, I've run another scam on myself. When I try to keep my word and I break it, I'm a fraud. I'm full of shit. I get back up and do it again and again. That's the human condition, I suppose.

I feel like there's something I'm supposed to share with the world. The whole world. A story, a joke, a poem, something. I've been looking deeply not just into myself but into others. What can I share with you? How can I let you in on this THING that lives inside of me?

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